I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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