I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
whose ass print is on the piano?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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