you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
