I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
