Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
