his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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