I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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