Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
