we should wear snuggies to the strip club
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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