Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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