So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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