If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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