I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
