you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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