Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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