I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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