I think I won the penis lottery.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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