Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
