weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
