I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
