dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
