Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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