she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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