I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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