Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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