What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
