Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize