I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
