She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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