Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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