I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
