It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize