...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize