I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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