I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
