At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
