they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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