Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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