I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Too much gin, very little bucket
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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