She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
operation have a gay friend backfired
you didnt know i had herpes?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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