No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
