Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
