My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
