i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
