Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
