just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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