Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
