i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Who died my cat blue again?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
