Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
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