Where did you get a picture of my penis
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
