Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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