please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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