No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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