A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
that may or may not have been my penis.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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