What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also, beer. Big fan.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
