she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
