so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
