If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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