How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
