Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
