1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had sex on a roof
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize