Pappa wants mamma naked
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
