Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
