My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
