you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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