i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
