Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
