If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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