Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The feeling are messing with the penis
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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